A Daughter's Concern About Her Mother's Prayer and Health
Question:
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. My mother has been tested
with hypertension and has lived with it for a long time. It has now affected
her memory and she frequently forgets things. When the time for prayer comes,
we sometimes have to count the rak'ahs for her while she prays. Otherwise, she
cannot complete the prayer correctly by herself.
Sometimes she says that she has prayed when she actually has not. If we continue reminding her that she has not prayed, she becomes upset and cries. I am afraid that continuing to correct her may make Allah hold me accountable for making my mother cry. What should I do? May Allah reward you.
Answer
Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi
wa barakatuh.
May Allah grant your mother healing,
mercy and ease, and may He reward you for caring for her.
This situation requires both
religious understanding and compassion. It is important to encourage a
Muslim to observe the prayer, but it is equally important to understand that
serious illness can affect a person's memory, awareness and ability to perform
religious duties normally.
The daughter should therefore not
approach her mother with anger, harshness or repeated confrontation. Instead,
she should help her gently, patiently and respectfully.
Advising
Our Families About Religion Is Part of Our Responsibility
Allah says:
Arabic:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ
وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ
غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا
يُؤْمَرُونَ
Transliteration:
Yā ayyuhalladhīna āmanū qū anfusakum wa ahlīkum nāran waqūduhan-nāsu
wal-ḥijārah, ‘alayhā malā'ikatun ghilāẓun shidād, lā ya‘ṣūnallāha mā amarahum
wa yaf‘alūna mā yu'marūn.
English translation:
“O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is
people and stones, overseen by formidable and severe angels, who never disobey
whatever Allah orders—always doing as commanded.”
Qur'an 66:6
The verse establishes the importance
of caring about the religious well-being of one's family. Classical
explanations of the verse include teaching one's family obedience to Allah and
helping them avoid disobedience.
Therefore, helping a mother with her
prayer is certainly an act of care and responsibility.
But how we advise someone
matters greatly.
Advice
Should Be Given With Gentleness
A sick person should not be treated
as though they are deliberately refusing to obey Allah.
If your mother genuinely cannot
remember whether she has prayed, or cannot remember how many rak'ahs she has
performed, repeatedly telling her, “You haven't prayed! You haven't prayed!”
may only increase her distress without solving the problem.
Instead, try gentle assistance.
For example, when prayer time
arrives, calmly tell her:
“Mummy, it is time for prayer. Let
us pray together.”
Help her prepare for the prayer and,
where necessary and religiously appropriate, assist her during the prayer.
The objective should be to help
her worship Allah, not to win an argument with her.
What
If Her Illness Has Seriously Affected Her Mind?
This is a very important part of the
question.
Islamic rulings concerning prayer
depend, among other things, on a person's mental capacity and awareness. A
person who has completely lost his or her capacity to understand and reason is
not treated in the same way as a mentally competent person.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
Arabic:
رُفِعَ الْقَلَمُ عَنْ ثَلَاثَةٍ: عَنِ النَّائِمِ
حَتَّى يَسْتَيْقِظَ، وَعَنِ الصَّبِيِّ حَتَّى يَحْتَلِمَ، وَعَنِ الْمَجْنُونِ
حَتَّى يَعْقِلَ
Transliteration:
Rufi‘al-qalamu ‘an thalāthah: ‘anin-nā'imi ḥattā yastayqiẓ, wa ‘aniṣ-ṣabiyyi
ḥattā yaḥtalim, wa ‘anil-majnūni ḥattā ya‘qil.
English translation:
“The pen has been lifted from three: from the sleeper until he awakens, from
the child until he reaches puberty, and from the mentally incapacitated person
until he regains his reason.”
Source: Sunan Abi Dawud 4403; graded
authentic by al-Albani.
This principle is important, but it
should not be used by family members to diagnose someone as mentally
incapacitated.
Memory loss does not automatically
mean that a person has lost all legal responsibility. A person may forget
certain things while still retaining significant awareness and understanding.
Therefore, because the mother's
condition is described as involving substantial memory problems, a qualified
Islamic scholar who understands the relevant fiqh rulings should assess her
particular situation, especially regarding what she is capable of
remembering and performing.
Do
Not Make Her Cry Over Something She Cannot Control
The daughter's fear of making her
mother cry is understandable.
However, the solution is not
necessarily to stop helping her with prayer. Rather, the solution is to change
the manner of assistance.
There is a major difference between:
“You have not prayed! Why do you
keep forgetting?”
and:
“Mummy, let us pray together.”
The first may create shame and
distress. The second offers support.
A mother who is ill and experiencing
cognitive difficulties needs dignity, patience and reassurance.
If she says she has already prayed
when she has not, and it is clear that she genuinely cannot remember, arguing
with her may accomplish very little. Where possible, quietly establish a
supportive routine around the prayer times.
Her
Medical Condition Also Requires Attention
The mention that her hypertension
has been associated with worsening memory is medically important.
Long-standing high blood pressure
can increase the risk of serious cardiovascular and cerebrovascular problems,
including conditions that can affect cognitive function. Memory loss should
therefore not simply be treated as an inevitable consequence of old age or
ignored as a religious matter.
She should receive appropriate
medical assessment, particularly because the memory problems appear to be
affecting her everyday functioning and ability to pray independently.
If she has already been prescribed
treatment for hypertension, the family should ensure that she takes it as
directed and attends appropriate medical follow-up.
Be
Careful With Herbal Remedies
The original response recommends
dried banana leaves mixed with black seed as a treatment for hypertension.
That advice should not be
presented as an established treatment for high blood pressure. There is
insufficient evidence to tell a person with significant hypertension and
cognitive symptoms to rely on such a remedy, particularly instead of medically
prescribed treatment.
Likewise, families should be
cautious about stopping prescribed medication or replacing it with an unproven
herbal preparation.
Seeking medical treatment does not
contradict tawakkul. Rather, Muslims are encouraged to seek beneficial means
while relying upon Allah.
A
Balanced Approach: Faith, Medicine and Compassion
The best response to this situation
is therefore not to choose between religion and medicine.
The family can do all three:
First, support her worship.
Help her pray as much as she is genuinely capable of praying.
Second, protect her dignity.
Avoid shouting, humiliating her or repeatedly confronting her over things she
may genuinely be unable to remember.
Third, obtain appropriate medical
care.
Her hypertension and significant memory problems deserve proper medical
evaluation.
Fourth, seek qualified religious
guidance.
A knowledgeable scholar can determine how the rules of prayer apply to her
particular level of cognitive capacity.
Fifth, make du'a for her.
Ask Allah to grant her healing, forgiveness, tranquillity and strength.
Remember
the Principle of Ease in Islam
Allah does not burden a person
beyond his or her capacity.
Arabic:
لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
Transliteration:
Lā yukallifullāhu nafsan illā wus‘ahā.
English translation:
“Allah does not require of any soul more than it can afford.”
Qur'an 2:286
This principle should guide the
family in dealing with an elderly or seriously ill person.
The goal is not to demand from a
sick mother what she is physically or mentally incapable of doing. The goal is
to help her fulfil her obligations to the extent of her ability.
Final
Advice to the Daughter
Do not abandon your mother.
Do not stop encouraging her to pray.
But do not turn prayer into a source
of fear, shame or repeated confrontation either.
Help her gently. Pray with her when
necessary. Remind her with kindness. Establish a simple routine around the
prayer times. If she forgets something, respond with patience rather than
anger.
And most importantly, have her
medical condition properly assessed. Her memory difficulties may require more
attention than the family currently realizes.
Your caring for your mother during
her illness can itself be an act of enormous goodness.
May Allah grant your mother complete
healing, preserve her faith, ease her condition, forgive her shortcomings, and
reward you and everyone caring for her with abundant goodness.
May Allah place patience and mercy
in your home and make this difficult period a means of drawing all of you
closer to Him.
Āmīn.
Wallāhu a'lam — And Allah knows
best.
Zauren Fatawoyi Bisa Al-Qur'ani da Sunnah
Zauren Fatawoyi Bisa Alkur'ani Da Sunnah.
ﺳُﺒﺤَﺎﻧَﻚَ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻬُﻢَّ ﻭَﺑِﺤَﻤْﺪِﻙَ ﺃﺷْﻬَﺪُ ﺃﻥ ﻟَﺎ ﺇِﻟَﻪَ ﺇِﻻَّ ﺃﻧْﺖَ ﺃﺳْﺘَﻐْﻔِﺮُﻙَ ﻭﺃَﺗُﻮﺏُ ﺇِﻟَﻴْﻚ
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